A few years ago, I installed new countertops and white tile backsplashes in my 1950s-style "vintage" kitchen, and Mr. Rick was a very capable contractor for me-now unfortunately retired.  

At the time, Rick warned me, "Don't use any blue glass cleaner on the tiles. It will make the grout gray."

I have never heard of it before. However, after a few years, I have never used anything blue on my tiles, and-wow! ——My grout is still white. 

I hope you are as happy about it as I am.

However, I must tell you that apart from grout, I know nothing about cleaning. This is one of the reasons why my new "multifunctional portable carpet and upholstery cleaner" is still in the brown cardboard box it came in three weeks ago.

I ordered it to clean the sweat-stained black armrests of the armchairs, the raccoon-scented seats in the SUV, and the light-colored carpets that stretched from the first-floor foyer of my lovely old house to the second-floor foyer.

Some friends told me that I was stupid to buy this special tone rug-the catalog calls it "champagne"-because it gets dirty. quickly.

"You should never use these light champagne colors on stairs," a friend insisted. "You would run around on the steps all day wearing dirty shoes and boots, spilling coffee...whatever..."

"I'm not worried," I replied. 

In the first year, everything is fine. I only ran up and down the stairs in a clean barefoot, and I only drink champagne when I do this-because, as Paris said, if you spill champagne on champagne, "On s'en fout?"

However, gradually, discoloration began to appear, and I began to consider buying some kind of cleaning device.

My friend Olga told me not to waste my money.

"All you have to do," she said, "is to mix the white vinegar with Dawn detergent and water, put them in a spray bottle, then kneel down and use a clean, dry detergent to carefully soak up the stain..."

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I call Olga my personal "Meloise" because she is like the hometown experts Martha Stewart and Heloise, bumping into each other.

And, even if she is the same age as me, she still does yoga, which means she can kneel down and stand up again without having to call the fire brigade.

Olga knows how to remove stains on carpets and curtains and make shower doors look (and smell) like new.

This is just the tip of the iceberg without blemishes and stains.

Ask her about wine stains anytime! Gravy stains! Pet stains!

She even knows how to remove lemon meringue from lime chiffon. 

Not to mention the teriyaki of the terry cloth. There is also khaki.

And she will not stop at cleaning skills.

She once asked me: "Did you know that if your car gets stuck on a dark, desolate road because of a broken fan belt, you can replace it with a pair of pantyhose?"

(Do they sell pantyhose on dark, empty roads?)

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She also told me that I can wash my wheels with Coca-Cola. "And, if you can't find your car in the parking lot," she added, "you can extend the distance of the remote control key by putting the remote control key on your head."

"Because it is higher?" I asked.

"No! Because the fluid in your brain is a good conductor."

Of course, these "useful tips" are not very helpful to me, because I don't drink Coca-Cola, don't wear pantyhose, and don't put a pair of first aid kits in the glove box.

In addition, when the time was right, I never remembered any of these helpful hints—probably because all the fluid in my brain dries up when I was 30.

Back to my new cleaning machine, still in its box...

I think it's better to google the description of the machine first, and then take it out of the box to see how complicated its operation is.

My friend Tom also has a suggestion: “You don’t have an outlet on your stairs, so make sure you have the correct type of extension cord.”

This brings us to page 6 of the instructions: "Warning: Using an extension cord with this product may cause serious electric shock, especially if the cord is not inserted into a circuit box with a ground fault circuit breaker."

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Uh, there is no extension cord, how can I clean my steps? My car interior? mine…?

Tom said again: "You are just making an excuse not to use it, because you hate cleaning."

This brings us to page 7 of the instructions: "How to clean the water tank, hoses and nozzles on this machine after use."

I think I have run out.